When the end of your year is much different from your beginning: My 2016 Reflections.

“The Joy of the Lord is your strength”, the two of them said at the same time just before they erupted into laughter at the surprise of their simultaneous proclamation.  I wasn’t laughing however, as I had gone to them from the crowd to get a prophetic word for my next year and hadn’t expected this one at all.  “Why would I need strength?” I thought.  “This year is going to be my harvest season…I’ve suffered enough already, I should be seeing the goodness and peace of God in my life this year.”  I concluded that they were somehow delusional and left that prayer meeting feeling ripped off.

A couple of weeks later we found ourselves back in Ethiopia, but positioned in a different part of the country- the part we said we would never live- Addis Ababa.  It’s the capital city and so much bigger than Debre Zeit, our home of old.  Here, my hope was that my children would have better peer relationships, greater access to the extra curricular activities at the International School and we would get better internet.  If I was to do what I said I would do, for one or maybe more, local NGO’s then I would need good internet access to provide consistent communication to donors.

We settled into the home of fellow missionaries who were away on furlough for the year and got our bearings around our side of town. However, not long after, rips started to appear on the fabric of our family...As months went by and physical separation led to a new review of all that was holding our relationship together, there were more elements pulling us apart than the things that were holding us together… By June, those rips had been torn fully apart. I had to say goodbye to my dream of a till-death-do-us-part marriage and so did my children as well as every person who had believed that we would remain together.

The weak places I entered into after that were buffered by the statement that was spoken over my life at the end of our time in New Zealand.  “The Joy of the Lord is MY strength.” I had to own it and apply it to my every day life.  In my weakest moments where I felt the literal tearing apart of a covenant tie, a strength resided that I couldn't claim as my own.  

What I came to discover was that Joy comes in different forms.  It came in the display of my children's resilience to the undoing of the world they knew for so long .  It came in the form of people who went from being strangers to much needed friends who spoke much needed words.  Joy expressed itself in moments of laughter with visiting people who brought hope and love in unexpected ways.  Joy reigned in opportunities to discover the use of gifts that had laid dormant in me for many years.  Manifested joy came into my life as the Word of God resonated through daily guidance in times where I couldn’t see which way to go. 

In all our lives there are moments we don’t expect or foresee; moments we never wished we or even our worst enemies would ever experience.  There are times we want to skip a track to our next song, or wake up from our currently reality, as if it were just a dream.  This year has been one of those experiences for me but in saying that I wouldn’t have changed it one bit. 

Through the breaking of my marriage, has come the awakening of my being- my being a beloved child of God.  My being a person who knows what is right for her life and was strong enough to stand up for it.  I awakened to the fact that just BE-ing is enough- that my DO-ing (Doing mission or wifely duties, Doing Ethiopia or what people expected me to DO) was not what made me ME. What makes me ME is in my being.  Being created in the image of God and knowing that I am found in Him, fully and completely His.  Here, I saw the peace and goodness of God I expected would be void if I needed His Joy to be my strength. I discovered the fullness of His Joy is found in those times where we are weak and His strength becomes our own. 

In the midst of this journey, I am writing my autobiography and in that space I am revisiting the joys and the pains of my past.  My life has still got many years to be lived out and I know that my story will be used for God’s glory and to help others like me who are struggling to know which way to turn. 

On my long haul flight between Singapore and Turkey, I flicked on the Documentary channel and watched a show about the wonder of nature. In this episode, they were talking about all the different shapes that exist in nature. One being the shapes that are formed in ice.

To illustrate the complexity of ice they took on the biggest block of ice that we find in nature, the iceberg. Scientists were researching the shapes found in the iceberg and how that affected not only the sinking of the Titanic but also the ability of the iceberg to float.

If you've seen the movie, you know the Titanic sunk because the Captain underestimated the size of the iceberg he saw on the near horizon and the damage that was done didn't come from what he could see on the surface of the ocean but by what lay beneath.

7/8 of an iceberg is under water- it's called the keel. The keel catches the currents of the ocean & affects the speed and the direction it will go. It's the less dense part of the iceberg that floats while the rest is heavily anchoring the berg under the water. 

Our lives displayed are only a small part of what people see. It's the less dense part that is exposed, while the depth of our lives is what is weighing us down beneath. 

If we see the circumstances of our lives as the currents that come our way then it's what's going on under the surface that will determine how we allow those things to steer our course. If we have bitterness in our hearts and something comes our way that collides with an already bitter root then that will affect which direction we go and how fast we get there - most likely down and at maximum speed. If we have peace in our hearts and something comes to create havoc in our lives, then our lives will cascade the effects of the hit more easily. We will be led by peace. If these two things- bitterness and peace push against one big iceberg or relationship then it's most likely going to split in half. 

While bitterness and peace were not necessarily the opposing forces in my marriage, there were definitely mixed values that were constantly pushing up against each other for us.  There is a life that is seen in public for all of us and the life that goes on behind closed doors. While these two lives should match up, the reality of my life is that the keel of our lives was being affected by the things that we valued. And just to clear the air, while the Ship of our lives at the time was in the waters of Africa, it wasn't Africa that caused the wreck but rather the undertows of the current itself. 

Thankfully we have been thrown a life line and it's come from the shores of Sydney, Australia. God has been gracious in setting up a life boat for us where we can know the safety of His Love and navigate the waters He's setting us back out on in the future. 

God has a plan for me and for Ethiopia and for me to be in Ethiopia in these last days and there's a stirring sense of peace in the country now and also within my heart.  This year has not ended at all the way I imagined it would at the beginning of my year, nor at the beginning of my marriage but I am learning not to focus on what was but what is going to come.  The word I gave myself at the beginning of this year, was the word "Surrender."  I have felt the sting of surrender as I've surrendered my own desires to the will of my Savior.  This next year my word is "Complete."  I will see the goodness of God in His restorative power in my life as He completes me and makes me whole.  As He now steers the direction of my life again, I am thankful that He knows so much more than I ever could- He knows my future and He knows what's best for me.  He works all things out together for my good. 

My friend YohanaSahle sings this beautiful song that speaks to my situation so eloquently. She's one of Ethiopia's rising stars, singing the heart of Jesus. Be blessed through it, knowing that He is working all things together for good. Happy NEW Year!

Visions, Dreams and their Consequences

I never really liked putting labels on myself. I trained as a chef but I don't say "I'm a chef" and I like to write but I wouldn't say "I'm a writer." I find it strange to attach one particular part of my skill set with the words "I am". It could wrap my identity up in a 'tag' that would entice a set of expectations from others. But the one that's troubled me the most is "I am a visionary." It's one I've identified with over the years but struggled to claim as my own. I would see "visionaries" doing amazing things and couldn't relate. Often my visions were in the confines of my mental space, desiring an expression.  For example:

When I was a child I had crazy outlandish visions of being in Ethiopia and feeding long lines of hungry children out of a pot of food.. I dreamed of owning companies where I could help people who couldn't afford to afford..

My visionary bent was wrought in the small hours of the night as I lay in bed with babies and envisioned what their bedrooms could look like if changes were made and furniture re-arranged. Things like this would keep me up at night; dreaming, recreating. In the creating and recreating in my mind the visionary in me was being awakened- As a stay at home mother who just wanted a better setting for my babies.

Then came the local community. As I would lie in bed listening to young people roam the streets outside late at night, I would dream for them. I imagined a place for young people to gather and find safety; to be cared for and nurtured at all hours of the day and night. I envisioned a shelter for them with rooms where multiple opportunities availed and blank canvases were waiting to be painted. The strategy about how this would unfold was also downloaded from a Place where solutions are designed by a Loving Creator who "directs the steps" of the man/woman who plans their way (Proverbs 16:9).

I believe dreams and visions are gifts from God. And unlike my one year old niece who received many gifts this weekend for her birthday and didn't acknowledge the givers, I believe we have an obligation to acknowledge the Giver of these dreams. A gift does not come without a gift-er. The gift to dream and envision doesn't make us better than others who don't have this gift, it just gives us a different responsibility. It means we have strengths in areas others are weak but we sure do have areas of weakness where we need others' strengths.

We are stewards of the gift (being a visionary) AND the extension of that gift being unwrapped (the dream or vision.)  To be faithful to the stewarding of the gift, it means we have to unwrap it to see how we can use it.  Don't down play what is meant to be played out. Don't comatose the dream that is meant to be lived out!


Recently I attended a conference where the story of Judas was unlocked. Yes, that called disciple who betrayed his leader and led him into his destiny by the choices he made. The speaker (Alicia Britt Chole) talked about how he was the treasurer but he went from being a steward to being an owner and feeling entitled. She said "Ownership is fists closed, stewardship is palms open." We can do the same thing with our visions. We can hold them too tightly in fists closed rather than opening our palms and allowing God to do with them what He wants. 

Sometimes I have found myself not been fully obedient to the Dream Giver's directions because I saw the vision as my own. I felt like I had the choice to let this dream become a reality or not as I held an open gift in my hands with my fists closed.  I was not fully understanding that God Himself wanted to see this vision become a reality THROUGH ME, not for me (not for my benefit but for the benefit of others). So I learnt to trust Him to work out the details in making the dream a reality. Often that meant that others were involved.  When we have received something that is obviously not our own, we are called to steward it with open hands.  This means being willing to allow others to join in the implementing of the vision, in the contribution to the vision and in the execution of its strategy. 

“For the kingdom of heaven is like a man traveling to a far country, who called his own servants and delivered his goods to them. And to one he gave five talents, to another two, and to another one, to each according to his own ability; and immediately he went on a journey. Then he who had received the five talents went and traded with them, and made another five talents. And likewise he who had received two gained two more also. But he who had received one went and dug in the ground, and hid his lord’s money. After a long time the lord of those servants came and settled accounts with them.

“So he who had received five talents came and brought five other talents, saying, ‘Lord, you delivered to me five talents; look, I have gained five more talents besides them.’  His lord said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant; you were faithful over a few things, I will make you ruler over many things. Enter into the joy of your lord.’ He also who had received two talents came and said, ‘Lord, you delivered to me two talents; look, I have gained two more talents besides them.’ His lord said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant; you have been faithful over a few things, I will make you ruler over many things. Enter into the joy of your lord.’

If it is a God dream then you have to know it's bigger than one person and that God has given the same dream to another person in some way or form according to his own ability-it may be according to the ability you need for the dream to come alive that you don't possess. He will strategically align you to bring formation to the structure and build a greater foundation for the building of the dream. But we must be careful to keep Christ as the chief Cornerstone. We leave Him out of the dream and it is sure to crumble. I write that from experience.

God knows what we are capable of doing and He will give us a custom size dream proportionate to our capacity. I know what it feels like to have a vision though and feel like it's beyond my capacity.  He builds capacity in you before He fills that capacity with all the ability to fulfill the dream. In that way, we are able to remember WHO's the dream is, when it's far beyond our grasp.  That capacity building season may feel like a stretching pain.  Bobbie Houston called it "Glorious Tension" at a recent Sisterhood meeting. She said "Faith is not designed to break us. We break IN the stretch. It's to take us into new places, spaces and territories." 

If you have gone through season after season of stretching, you have to know that your harvest season is a place of greater capacity.

Visions become reality after time, as we faithfully steward the gift, open it's contents and assemble this glorious God dream. They often become a reality after a time where it seemed like it isn't ever going to happen and maybe  was never meant to be in the first place: Just after the dream dies and you fully surrendered it to God and gave up thinking it was your own, it will come to BE. 

See I've walked this path that leads to dreams finding their expression before and I have learnt. I have learnt from mistakes being made and I've learnt from positive experiences too. I've learnt that the Dream Giver is BIG and His supply is bountiful. So don't be afraid to say "I'm a visionary" and don't be afraid to dream big and share those dreams with others. It's your responsibility.  It's His gift to you.  He must think you're capable of making it come into the place of reality or He wouldn't have given it to you in the first place right? 

Look at your dream from a different perspective.