Saturday, July 16, 2016

When Grace resides in the Grey

Recently I made a life changing decision.  This decision was a calculated, prayed through, fasted over, all around anguishing decision that was a result of years of reflection. It was one that had many contributing factors to its final outcome and that blurred the lines of the black and white that some people like to hold when it comes to marriage.

First of all, I have to say that I am a firm believer in the sanctity of marriage. I believe that a healthy marriage is the healthiest place for children to be nurtured and to grow; I have seen the research and promoted it over years of ministry. I believe that marriage is a covenant and that God takes covenant seriously- that marriage represents His covenant with the church and it should be a witness of that to the world. For these very reasons, I married my husband when I was pregnant and have stayed married to him for 19 years.

But in the black and white, bible-truth, law abiding and God fearing agenda, we have to be careful not to become judgmental of our own and others actions. While the "rules" exist to protect us from harm, there are always exceptions to the rules in the circumstances that surround it's context. For someone like me, who has been a very "black and white" believer, I am discovering that the grey [where everything is not so clear and circumstances force you to rethink your paradigm] is where grace resides.

"Did Christ die for the person or for the institution?" Is one question someone asked me recently. "Does He love me or my marriage more?" When dysfunction overrides a healthy, loving and safe environment, is it okay to accept Gods grace in the grey? To say, no matter what people may think, or what consequences I must face, I have to do the best by my children. And even though marriage seemed the best for my children, in all circumstances it truly is not.

The stand I am taking is a stand to live under grace. That grace that I have experienced over many trials and failures, has given me a zeal for Christ that I can't take for granted. The life that I live is only because He rescued me: He loved me and gave me a second chance. I don't want to straddle the fence, I choose not to immerse myself in darkness but to shine under His light.  While fear and confusion desire to take up residence in this whole situation, it's kept out by Perfect Love.

While I do appreciate people's advice on the issue, and I agree with most of the advice in principle; I also just appreciate those who trust that my decision was the right thing to do because they know me and trust my character. I know it has shocked people who know "us" and can't imagine how this could have eventuated, but there is always more to us than meets the eye.

I rest safe in the knowledge that God knows and that He is my ultimate judge and my safe refuge. "Mercy triumphs over judgement." says James 2:13. This poem I wrote just summarises where I am at...

When something you believe in and wanted so bad
Becomes that thing that you never had
When droughts of love take their toll
On a love hungry and thirsty soul
When peace seems an unattainable goal
And brokenness desires to be made whole
When years of recession back into that place
That has been covered by Glory and Grace
Means that now you must take a stand
And be led forward by His gracious hand
To trust, to breathe, to live each day new
Without the one you wanted to
You know that there's a better day
Because He said it would be that way
His new start for you means freedom and grace
As long as you keep looking into His face
He will lead you through this windy storm
And take you into a new norm
Where peace and love go deeper still
And His sovereign power overrides your will
His grace is sufficient, His strength is yours
Your heart into, His love He pours.
Selah.