When the end of your year is much different from your beginning: My 2016 Reflections.

“The Joy of the Lord is your strength”, the two of them said at the same time just before they erupted into laughter at the surprise of their simultaneous proclamation.  I wasn’t laughing however, as I had gone to them from the crowd to get a prophetic word for my next year and hadn’t expected this one at all.  “Why would I need strength?” I thought.  “This year is going to be my harvest season…I’ve suffered enough already, I should be seeing the goodness and peace of God in my life this year.”  I concluded that they were somehow delusional and left that prayer meeting feeling ripped off.

A couple of weeks later we found ourselves back in Ethiopia, but positioned in a different part of the country- the part we said we would never live- Addis Ababa.  It’s the capital city and so much bigger than Debre Zeit, our home of old.  Here, my hope was that my children would have better peer relationships, greater access to the extra curricular activities at the International School and we would get better internet.  If I was to do what I said I would do, for one or maybe more, local NGO’s then I would need good internet access to provide consistent communication to donors.

We settled into the home of fellow missionaries who were away on furlough for the year and got our bearings around our side of town. However, not long after, rips started to appear on the fabric of our family...As months went by and physical separation led to a new review of all that was holding our relationship together, there were more elements pulling us apart than the things that were holding us together… By June, those rips had been torn fully apart. I had to say goodbye to my dream of a till-death-do-us-part marriage and so did my children as well as every person who had believed that we would remain together.

The weak places I entered into after that were buffered by the statement that was spoken over my life at the end of our time in New Zealand.  “The Joy of the Lord is MY strength.” I had to own it and apply it to my every day life.  In my weakest moments where I felt the literal tearing apart of a covenant tie, a strength resided that I couldn't claim as my own.  

What I came to discover was that Joy comes in different forms.  It came in the display of my children's resilience to the undoing of the world they knew for so long .  It came in the form of people who went from being strangers to much needed friends who spoke much needed words.  Joy expressed itself in moments of laughter with visiting people who brought hope and love in unexpected ways.  Joy reigned in opportunities to discover the use of gifts that had laid dormant in me for many years.  Manifested joy came into my life as the Word of God resonated through daily guidance in times where I couldn’t see which way to go. 

In all our lives there are moments we don’t expect or foresee; moments we never wished we or even our worst enemies would ever experience.  There are times we want to skip a track to our next song, or wake up from our currently reality, as if it were just a dream.  This year has been one of those experiences for me but in saying that I wouldn’t have changed it one bit. 

Through the breaking of my marriage, has come the awakening of my being- my being a beloved child of God.  My being a person who knows what is right for her life and was strong enough to stand up for it.  I awakened to the fact that just BE-ing is enough- that my DO-ing (Doing mission or wifely duties, Doing Ethiopia or what people expected me to DO) was not what made me ME. What makes me ME is in my being.  Being created in the image of God and knowing that I am found in Him, fully and completely His.  Here, I saw the peace and goodness of God I expected would be void if I needed His Joy to be my strength. I discovered the fullness of His Joy is found in those times where we are weak and His strength becomes our own. 

In the midst of this journey, I am writing my autobiography and in that space I am revisiting the joys and the pains of my past.  My life has still got many years to be lived out and I know that my story will be used for God’s glory and to help others like me who are struggling to know which way to turn. 

On my long haul flight between Singapore and Turkey, I flicked on the Documentary channel and watched a show about the wonder of nature. In this episode, they were talking about all the different shapes that exist in nature. One being the shapes that are formed in ice.

To illustrate the complexity of ice they took on the biggest block of ice that we find in nature, the iceberg. Scientists were researching the shapes found in the iceberg and how that affected not only the sinking of the Titanic but also the ability of the iceberg to float.

If you've seen the movie, you know the Titanic sunk because the Captain underestimated the size of the iceberg he saw on the near horizon and the damage that was done didn't come from what he could see on the surface of the ocean but by what lay beneath.

7/8 of an iceberg is under water- it's called the keel. The keel catches the currents of the ocean & affects the speed and the direction it will go. It's the less dense part of the iceberg that floats while the rest is heavily anchoring the berg under the water. 

Our lives displayed are only a small part of what people see. It's the less dense part that is exposed, while the depth of our lives is what is weighing us down beneath. 

If we see the circumstances of our lives as the currents that come our way then it's what's going on under the surface that will determine how we allow those things to steer our course. If we have bitterness in our hearts and something comes our way that collides with an already bitter root then that will affect which direction we go and how fast we get there - most likely down and at maximum speed. If we have peace in our hearts and something comes to create havoc in our lives, then our lives will cascade the effects of the hit more easily. We will be led by peace. If these two things- bitterness and peace push against one big iceberg or relationship then it's most likely going to split in half. 

While bitterness and peace were not necessarily the opposing forces in my marriage, there were definitely mixed values that were constantly pushing up against each other for us.  There is a life that is seen in public for all of us and the life that goes on behind closed doors. While these two lives should match up, the reality of my life is that the keel of our lives was being affected by the things that we valued. And just to clear the air, while the Ship of our lives at the time was in the waters of Africa, it wasn't Africa that caused the wreck but rather the undertows of the current itself. 

Thankfully we have been thrown a life line and it's come from the shores of Sydney, Australia. God has been gracious in setting up a life boat for us where we can know the safety of His Love and navigate the waters He's setting us back out on in the future. 

God has a plan for me and for Ethiopia and for me to be in Ethiopia in these last days and there's a stirring sense of peace in the country now and also within my heart.  This year has not ended at all the way I imagined it would at the beginning of my year, nor at the beginning of my marriage but I am learning not to focus on what was but what is going to come.  The word I gave myself at the beginning of this year, was the word "Surrender."  I have felt the sting of surrender as I've surrendered my own desires to the will of my Savior.  This next year my word is "Complete."  I will see the goodness of God in His restorative power in my life as He completes me and makes me whole.  As He now steers the direction of my life again, I am thankful that He knows so much more than I ever could- He knows my future and He knows what's best for me.  He works all things out together for my good. 

My friend YohanaSahle sings this beautiful song that speaks to my situation so eloquently. She's one of Ethiopia's rising stars, singing the heart of Jesus. Be blessed through it, knowing that He is working all things together for good. Happy NEW Year!